Perci (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} perci) wrote,@ 2008-11-23 19:28:00 |
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A big-ass theory about people
There's this woman who's been coming to the pottery studio at least 8 or 9 years now. I'll call her Myra...because that's her name and I wouldn't actually care if the old biddy knew I was writing about her. In fact, if you know her, print this out and give it to her. She'll think it's about some other Myra, though.
Myra is never, ever happy. You can tell from her face that she hasn't made a pleasant expression in 40 years. She brings grandkids to the studio and is dramatic and disagreeable the entire time she's there--this isn't satisfactory, that doesn't look like the sample, my time shouldn't start because even though I poured out paint, I haven't dipped my brush in it. (We charge by the hour for painting time, but we don't start the clock while you're still thinking--only for the time when you're using materials. And Myra is the reason that instead of saying, "Your time starts when you start painting," we now say, "Your time starts when you pour out paint.")
When Myra picks her stuff up, it's not how she painted it, or there's some flaw that no one else can actually see, or someone told her to paint it this way and now she doesn't like it. One time she banged on the door when I was alone in the studio two hours before opening time. I tried ignoring her, because after all, there's a sign with the opening time, but she kept banging. Finally I went and told her the opening time. She said, "But I just want to pick something up." Fine, we open at noon. I had to go over the "opening time" concept three times for her. At noon she came stomping in and bitched up and down because she had to come back. Myra is entitled to my personal time, see.
Today I went in before the shop opened so I could paint in peace for awhile. When the person working today opened at noon, Myra came running in first thing.
Today's issue? "I don't like that back for the frame." Well, those are the backs for that size. Well, they aren't what Myra wants. She thinks it'll be too hard for her granddaughter to get the picture in and out. And she paid! money! And they don't look like the backs on the other frames! Did I mention her enormous sense of entitlement? The other frames are not even the same size as hers. And this is TERRIBLE, and she runs all over the studio complaining and showing us things that are like what she wants! Except none of them are the thing that she BOUGHT.
Coworker looks for a different backing that might work, and even offers to cut the existing one to work the way Myra wants. I consider letting Myra be Somebody Else's Problem today, but I feel sorry for coworker, who is very very sweet and doesn't have much experience with ol' Myra. So I suggest two possible ways to attach the back to the frame that will make meet her stated criterion of "easy to get the picture in and out." Myra is dismissive.
Myra then abuses coworker. Coworker says, "I understand what you want, but we don't have it. I can try to find what you want, but I can't promise anything; those are the backs that come with those frames." Coworker might sound a little impatient by now. No one could blame her.
Myra abuses coworker some more AND tells coworker not to be impatient. Coworker, bless her heart, politely tells Myra not to talk to her like that. Myra asserts her right to talk how she wants AND to tell other people how to talk. Myra is spared the FUCK THE FUCK OFF she's had coming for eight years by the fact that I have severe laryngitis and wouldn't be able to make the phrase as impactful as I'd like.
Finally we get rid of her and I think about how often Myra stomps out of the studio and says she's never coming back. If she hates everything that happens there, why the hell does she come back?
And suddenly I realize something not only with Myra but about all the other contentious, unsatisfiable whiners I know. Myra comes back because she gets exactly what she wants: an opportunity to feel powerful by abusing people who are constrained by the situation to be polite and try to please her. So she can put on a big show and be all forceful and tell herself she's standing up for herself. In other words, she wants an argument.
People who want to solve a problem state the problem in a polite and friendly way and ask you to help them solve it. They're happy when they get a solution to the problem (oh, say, an idea on how to put the frame together in a way that meets your stated requirement).
People who want to argue state the problem like a threat, and they've already decided that there's no solution to the problem that they'll accept. They're happy when they can rant about how many ways you suck while you scramble around trying one solution after another. They can't allow any solution to work, because they wouldn't be able to keep pounding on you. In fact, if you say, "You're right," they'll immediately find a way to disagree some more. If you somehow managed to create a resolution, they'd lose power over you.
Now that I've said it, that seems really obvious. And at some level we all know that politely asking for a solution usually gets us a solution, and acting like a jackass usually gets us an unpleasant experience.
But I don't think I've ever put it quite so clearly to myself before. In fact, now I'm thinking that an argument (in the "verbal warfare" sense of the word) is almost always about some kind of complicated power/entitlement thing, and is rarely part of solving a problem.
Of course, I still don't know what the hell is WRONG with the Myras, but at least I know not to waste my time trying to please them or letting them suck me into arguments.
There's this woman who's been coming to the pottery studio at least 8 or 9 years now. I'll call her Myra...because that's her name and I wouldn't actually care if the old biddy knew I was writing about her. In fact, if you know her, print this out and give it to her. She'll think it's about some other Myra, though.
Myra is never, ever happy. You can tell from her face that she hasn't made a pleasant expression in 40 years. She brings grandkids to the studio and is dramatic and disagreeable the entire time she's there--this isn't satisfactory, that doesn't look like the sample, my time shouldn't start because even though I poured out paint, I haven't dipped my brush in it. (We charge by the hour for painting time, but we don't start the clock while you're still thinking--only for the time when you're using materials. And Myra is the reason that instead of saying, "Your time starts when you start painting," we now say, "Your time starts when you pour out paint.")
When Myra picks her stuff up, it's not how she painted it, or there's some flaw that no one else can actually see, or someone told her to paint it this way and now she doesn't like it. One time she banged on the door when I was alone in the studio two hours before opening time. I tried ignoring her, because after all, there's a sign with the opening time, but she kept banging. Finally I went and told her the opening time. She said, "But I just want to pick something up." Fine, we open at noon. I had to go over the "opening time" concept three times for her. At noon she came stomping in and bitched up and down because she had to come back. Myra is entitled to my personal time, see.
Today I went in before the shop opened so I could paint in peace for awhile. When the person working today opened at noon, Myra came running in first thing.
Today's issue? "I don't like that back for the frame." Well, those are the backs for that size. Well, they aren't what Myra wants. She thinks it'll be too hard for her granddaughter to get the picture in and out. And she paid! money! And they don't look like the backs on the other frames! Did I mention her enormous sense of entitlement? The other frames are not even the same size as hers. And this is TERRIBLE, and she runs all over the studio complaining and showing us things that are like what she wants! Except none of them are the thing that she BOUGHT.
Coworker looks for a different backing that might work, and even offers to cut the existing one to work the way Myra wants. I consider letting Myra be Somebody Else's Problem today, but I feel sorry for coworker, who is very very sweet and doesn't have much experience with ol' Myra. So I suggest two possible ways to attach the back to the frame that will make meet her stated criterion of "easy to get the picture in and out." Myra is dismissive.
Myra then abuses coworker. Coworker says, "I understand what you want, but we don't have it. I can try to find what you want, but I can't promise anything; those are the backs that come with those frames." Coworker might sound a little impatient by now. No one could blame her.
Myra abuses coworker some more AND tells coworker not to be impatient. Coworker, bless her heart, politely tells Myra not to talk to her like that. Myra asserts her right to talk how she wants AND to tell other people how to talk. Myra is spared the FUCK THE FUCK OFF she's had coming for eight years by the fact that I have severe laryngitis and wouldn't be able to make the phrase as impactful as I'd like.
Finally we get rid of her and I think about how often Myra stomps out of the studio and says she's never coming back. If she hates everything that happens there, why the hell does she come back?
And suddenly I realize something not only with Myra but about all the other contentious, unsatisfiable whiners I know. Myra comes back because she gets exactly what she wants: an opportunity to feel powerful by abusing people who are constrained by the situation to be polite and try to please her. So she can put on a big show and be all forceful and tell herself she's standing up for herself. In other words, she wants an argument.
People who want to solve a problem state the problem in a polite and friendly way and ask you to help them solve it. They're happy when they get a solution to the problem (oh, say, an idea on how to put the frame together in a way that meets your stated requirement).
People who want to argue state the problem like a threat, and they've already decided that there's no solution to the problem that they'll accept. They're happy when they can rant about how many ways you suck while you scramble around trying one solution after another. They can't allow any solution to work, because they wouldn't be able to keep pounding on you. In fact, if you say, "You're right," they'll immediately find a way to disagree some more. If you somehow managed to create a resolution, they'd lose power over you.
Now that I've said it, that seems really obvious. And at some level we all know that politely asking for a solution usually gets us a solution, and acting like a jackass usually gets us an unpleasant experience.
But I don't think I've ever put it quite so clearly to myself before. In fact, now I'm thinking that an argument (in the "verbal warfare" sense of the word) is almost always about some kind of complicated power/entitlement thing, and is rarely part of solving a problem.
Of course, I still don't know what the hell is WRONG with the Myras, but at least I know not to waste my time trying to please them or letting them suck me into arguments.
